So I come across this blog post last night Is It Rape If...... . And I know exactly how she feels. I was sexually assaulted by my ex-husband. Three weeks after my son was born. He decided he was ready for sex, and he didn't care that I wasn't. He didn't care that I'd had an episiotomy and 14 stitches and wasn't healed yet.
He didn't care that I said no. I tried to talk my way out of it, tried to cry and beg my way out, but was afraid enough of him to refuse him when he argued and insisted. A little piece of me died that day as I laid there, crying while being violated, not just from the physical pain of it, but from the humiliation of having something taken from me that I did not freely give.
I was so ashamed to admit to the obgyn at my 6 week post partum visit that I'd "had sex" before the 6 weeks was up, and I was certainly too ashamed to admit that it was forced upon me. THANK GOD I did not get pregnant from that encounter!!!! I made sure to stay on some form of birth control throughout the rest of our marriage. I did not want another child with that monster.
He made me absolutely hate sex. Dread it with every last fiber of my being. Not just because he assaulted me, although that was a huge part of it. Some of it would be because it was always "his way". My input and suggestions were always made fun of, were never good enough, or were too "high school". The rest - I despised the man. And as many of you know - for a woman to have sex and enjoy it, her head has to be into it, and mine just couldn't be there with all those bad feelings about him and the marriage.
Sex became another power struggle between us. Typically I would give in when I was afraid he would just take what he wanted, and it was never something I enjoyed. It was easier to begrudgingly give it to him, than to risk being raped again. The last 2 years we were married, we had sex a total of 2 times.
Fast forward to my life now - does this memory still bother me? Damn right it does. For all the same reasons as in the blog posting I shared in the first paragraph. All those doubts about if it was rape, did I do enough to prevent it, did I deserve it, etc. I know, though, that it wasn't me, it was HIM.
But do I let these memories affect my life today? Absolutely not. I love my husband and the life we have together. I trust him 100% completely, and know that he would never do anything like that to me.
There's just so much more I could say on this memory from my life, but I'm done. I've said enough. I haven't revealed this event to very many people in my life, and it's going to be hard for some of them to read this. It is what it is.
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