Flashbacks

Flashbacks from hell today.  I'm not sure what brought them on.  The only one that I can remember at the moment has to do with his marijuana habit.  When we lived in the apartment in Carrollton, he had this one plate that he used to roll his joints, and he kept it up in the ceiling tiles in the bathroom.  I don't remember how I found out that's where he kept his stash, I think CJ told me, but I really don't remember.

I do remember that one time I took his stuff and hid it in my sock drawer, then went to work.  He called me at work and harassed me and threatened to come up there and make a huge scene to embarrass me in front of my coworkers, and I eventually gave in and told him where it was.

I absolutely hated the fact that he was a pot head.  I've always disliked the thought of pot smoking.  It's not something I ever did growing up, nor did I ever want to.  I'm sort of on the fence on the whole legalization issue.  If you're a pot smoker, that's your business, and as long as you don't bring that shit around me, I don't care that you smoke it.  I hated the fact that he cared more about his so-called "right" to smoke pot than he did about my feelings about it or the example he was setting for the children.

See, his justification for smoking pot was that he was part Cherokee Indian, and that Indians supposedly smoked pot when they couldn't get peyote.  I totally call bullshit on that. 

He used to try to hide that he'd been smoking pot from me, but I could tell before he'd finished speaking a sentence whenever he'd been smoking weed or drinking alcohol.  He never believed that I could tell, even though I busted him every time.  His manner of speaking would change when he was stoned or had been drinking, and when you know someone as well as I knew him (well, I knew him in some ways, obviously I didn't know him as well as I thought I did with all the shit I went through with him), you could just tell.  It ALWAYS gave him away.  He's an idiot, but when he smoked pot, he turned into an even bigger idiot.  You could hear it in his voice, how hard he would try to act and speak normally, but he just couldn't do it - his efforts further emphasized his stoned condition.

I remembered the hiding of the pot when I walked into the bathroom at work today.  I wasn't having a stressful day, no one had mentioned the idiot, or pot, but maybe it had something to do with the conversation regarding the weirdo at the Atlanta airport this morning that stripped naked and was jumping up and down and shouting about Jesus and going to Heaven.  I could almost imagine my idiot ex-husband doing something stupid like that.  Although he'd be more likely to have a pity party and be threatening to kill himself than to be praising Jesus and shouting about the joys of the thoughts of Heaven.

I know a part of it too, is that I'm very hormonal today.  I realized that early in the day.  PMS sucks.  Hormonal days are brutal - I'd rather have the physical symptoms than all the emotional ones.  PMS hormones wreak havoc with my emotions, my self-esteem, my self-worth, my security within my relationships - EVERYTHING!!!  Sometimes I don't even realize when it's my hormones that are taking over my emotions, but thankfully I've gotten better at recognizing it when it happens.

Anyways, here's to hoping the flashbacks and memories stop, at least until I'm done being hormonal.