Narcissists

 From the Mayo Clinic: Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.

I came across this list called "Some Crazy Things Most Narcissists Do":

• Lie: lie to everyone, even themselves.
• Ruin holidays and special occasions.
• Make you feel inadequate or less than.
• Play word games, twist, deny, and make it impossible to communicate.
• Change how they treat you and how they feel about you. You are the best person, then you are the worst.
• Future faking, promise you all kinds of things, marriage, vacations, etc. And never follow through.
• Overwhelm you so you are burnt out, then blame you when you are not getting enough done.
• Make you feel lonely, unappreciated, and especially unloved.
• Destroy your trust in people, make you lose your innocence.
• Make you feel hopeless, helpless, and the saddest you have been in all your life.
• Exhaust you, mentally. physically, and emotionally.

My ex-husband, James, did all of these things. Every last one of them. He would lie about everything and anything and try to make you feel crazy if you told him, you knew he was lying.  I have no doubt that he believed his own lies.

He would do his best to ruin holidays and special occasions and had several methods of doing this.  Christmas and Thanksgiving were the worst - he didn't want to go to either of our families to celebrate, he wanted to keep us isolated at home.  If we did go to my family's celebrations, he would partake in the alcohol and I would be a nervous wreck, unable to enjoy myself for having to stick to him like glue to try to avoid him making a bigger ass out of himself than he normally did.  And I had to be super careful on the ride home, for if I got upset and told him that he "ruined" anything, he would either get violent or would threaten to jump out of the car while I was driving.

James would call me a "college educated idiot".  That was one of his favorite insults to use. If something went wrong at work, it was always my fault.  My position was eliminated at ASCAP, but he would always throw it in my face that I got fired because I wasn't smart enough to do the job.  This batch of insults is sort of funny to me now, considering that he was functionally illiterate, yet had the gall to call me an idiot or stupid.

Word games, twisting words, and talking in circles was his favorite thing.  You could not have a mature, adult conversation with him, for all of his games.  I realize now that they were designed to hide the fact that he didn't know how to communicate, how to understand things, and that he was a narcissist and just knew no other way.  

When we first started dating and up until we got married, he had me on a pedestal, treating me like a queen (for the most part). Once we were married, he turned into a monster, yelling at me, hitting me, verbally abusing me, etc. Afterwards, he would apologize and if I complained that it was all him, he would say that it "takes 2 to tango".  That phrase became one that angered me to the point that had we stayed together any longer, I might have become temporarily insane and ended him once and for all.

Being married to and living with someone like him was exhausting and overwhelming.  I would go through severe depressions and would have periods where I could barely function.  The last few years we were married, he would actually act concerned when I would experience these periods, as I would just lay in bed and cry.  I figure his concern was only that if I stayed like that and lost my job, he wouldn't be able to continue to live an easy life.  I literally could not get out of bed except for work.  I suppose it was my defense mechanism to avoid interacting with him when I'd have enough, but I would always make myself get through it so that I could go to work.

I'd never been a violent person, or one who would yell, but I learned to be that way from my treatment by him.  Thankfully that didn't stick with me very long after the divorce, unless I was talking to him.  He knew the triggers to make me respond to him with yelling, until I finally figured out that just hanging up on him worked better.  I had to stop caring that I was right, and only care about my peace.  That was extremely hard for me, as when I knew I was right about something, I didn't want to let it go until he knew I was right.  Unfortunately, that would never happen with him, and I finally learned to give up making sure he knew I was right.  

As for the violence - I would never hit someone first. I don't think I'd ever been in a fight in my life, other than twice in elementary school. I liked to use my words to argue with people when needed, but I would never have considered violence at the time.  I did hit someone once - a college boyfriend's high school friend - because he was walking behind me and kept tripping me. I asked him multiple times to stop, he didn't stop, so I punched him HARD in the chest.  He didn't like that at all but guess what - he left me alone.  I didn't hit James back in the beginning, I guess the shock of being hit by someone that was supposed to love, honor, and cherish me kept me from defending myself.  Once I knew he was going to hit me, it was on.  

The last time he hit me was in October 2005.  I was sitting in a chair in the bathroom, putting on my makeup for work.  We were arguing, about what who knows at this point, and I said something to him about stinking like an ashtray.  He claims he thought I called him one of the words that would set him off (SOB or bastard), but the why doesn't matter.  He smacked me upside the head.  I was DONE.  I threw my makeup bag down, turned around and grabbed him around the throat, shoving him against the wall, and put both my hands around his throat.  I outweighed him by more than 100lbs at that time and told him something to the effect of he was going to take a trip down the stairs backwards and would be leaving the house in a body bag, that I was done being his punching bag and he better NEVER touch me again.  And he never did.  I legally separated from him July 21, 2006, and our divorce was final in October that year.

Happy Day to Me!

This was written 12/08/2015 and I never published it.

Today would have been my 21st anniversary with the ex-husband.  I can't believe it was that long ago that I met and married him.  I don't think about him much anymore, thankfully, but every once in a while a thought pops up.  Most of the time I don't remember what date we tied the knot, as it doesn't really matter.  I am in such a better place now, with someone that is truly a wonderful person, that loves and respects me more than I sometimes feel I deserve.  I guess I just don't feel the need to think about the past very much any more.


Of course it does rear its ugly head now and again.  Thankfully, it's few and far between.  We joke about it sometimes.  Like tonight for example. 

Brutally Broken

This was written on December 8, 2015...

I've seen this meme going around Facebook a lot recently.  Seems that it applies to many people that I know.  That's really kinda sad, to think about it, that I know that many folks that can relate to this.


I was "brutally broken", in so many ways, mostly from my first marriage, and some from other relationships I've been in.  My ex-husband broke my trust, my ego, my self-esteem, my feelings, my soul, my will, my spirit.....damn the list could go on. 



While those of us that have been broken so deserve to be loved and cared for, it is so hard to trust someone and to actually accept what we so rightfully deserve.  Trusting someone takes a lot, and any perceived damage to the trust is magnified because of the past.




Building up your ego and self-esteem is very difficult, even when you're with the right person.  All because some asshat (or several asshats), managed to tear you down so far.  Constant criticism, never being good enough, not having the smooth, stretchmark-free skin of the airbrushed women in the magazines (yes, I remember that comment from back in college, and NO, I do not want your apology today, in fact if you even mention it to me today I will delete you and block you), oh shit the list goes on and on and on.




I ache deep within my soul sometimes over the hurt I've experienced over the years.  How the hell do you move past it?

No Words....

But I found some!  I could be mean and spiteful but I won't.  I got some shocking news on Friday - my ex-husband, James, has died.

His son, CJ, found him face down on the bed and couldn't wake him.  The paramedics couldn't rouse him either, and it's my understanding that the hospice nurse at the hospital told him that he was brain dead, and that his organs had not stopped yet.  He passed fairly quickly, and it appears without much if any suffering.

I'll skip anything rude or mean that I have in my mind to say, and just ask that folks keep my son and his other 2 sons in your thoughts and prayers.

My Issue With Pot

My ex-husband is an addict - prescription pain drugs, xanax, and alcohol.  He's also a lover of marijuana.  I knew before we were married that he drank beer and smoked pot.  At the time, I didn't see the drinking as a big deal, as I only saw him every 2-3 weeks and wrongly assumed it was a "weekends only" thing for him, plus the fact that he was always on his best behavior before we got married so that I wouldn't see the monster inside him.

As for the pot - that bothered me greatly, and it was always a point of contention between us, long before we were married.  I was raised in a drug-free home, and never tried drugs of any kind, even when it was offered to me in high school and college.  I was never even curious about it, and just never saw the need to experiment.  It's illegal, and jobs drug test, I'm generally not a rule breaker and certainly have never taken chances that could cost me my job.  I do, however, understand that medicinal marijuana has been shown to be very beneficial to a variety of serious medical issues, and feel it should be legal and readily available for that purpose.

I'm not here to argue or discuss the pros and cons of legalizing pot.  Since I don't use it, it doesn't affect me either way.  Going back to my original point of this about my ex-husband - he used it because he liked it.  He couldn't see the idiot he turned into when he was high (not that he would have cared).  We had a huge argument the day after we got married because the couple that stood with us, my matron of honor and his best man, brought him a bag of pot.  They tried to be secretive about it, but of course I found out and was PISSED.  My matron of honor knew how I felt about pot, and I was so hurt that she would disrespect me like that.  That friendship ended right there.  I told my ex that day "if I had known you were going to continue smoking pot, I never would have married you.  I've made a huge mistake". How many times do you think that statement was thrown in my face the next 12 years?  Enough that I'd be a rich woman today if someone gave me a dollar every time.  

My ex claimed he used pot because he was part American Indian, and it was a substitute for peyote.  Of course the truth was he just liked the high.  The bullshit he would spew about how it helped him have visions like peyote - he was so full of shit.  None of his visions ever turned out to come true (not like I ever thought they would).  He pretty much stopped his vision nonsense when he was wrong about what sex our child would be.

He wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box, but when he was stoned, I could tell immediately.  As if the red eyes weren't a dead giveaway, he became even dumber than usual

Seriously, like only a few brain cells above amoeba.  I know not everyone is like that when high, most folks I've been around just get the red eyes and "the stoner look". And that bastard loved to get right up in my face with his pot and beer breath, whether it was to try to be affectionate, or to scream at me.  I absolutely cannot stand the smell of pot, whether it's the kind from back then, or today's nasty "stinkweed".  And I don't care for the smell of beer on someone's breath today.  

Had I never married my ex, I probably wouldn't have the intense hatred for pot that I have today.  I just didn't care one way or another prior to him since it never affected me. 

That is why I hate marijuana.  

Please do not comment or message me with trying to enlighten me or change my feelings about this - just know that if you partake, I do not hate you.  I will never put you down or criticize you for your choice.  

More Memories

While out and about today, I had some flashbacks to some situations with the monster that today, I find quite laughable.  At the time, it wasn't, but I got a silent chuckle over it today. 


One afternoon after he'd had a few (or several) beers, he asked me to drive to the office in Columbia that would have information on how to go about adopting an American Indian child.   (he's apparently part Cherokee and believes he has this great connection to them but that's a story for another day).  I was less than thrilled - not because I have a problem with adopting a child, but we were only a couple of months away from having our child together, and of course his having alcohol on his breath when he wanted to have this conversation with someone from the state really irked me.  (and before you can ask WHY I agreed to drive him there, it was to save the argument and aggravation that I would have faced had I refused to take him) 


We get to the office, go in, and he starts talking to the social worker.  I did not hide my irritation at being there, and there was no hiding my bulging pregnant belly.  I most likely rolled my eyes a lot, did the foot shake thing where your legs are crossed and you move your foot, and sighed a lot.  I was afraid to speak up and say I wasn't interested because I didn't want the argument when we left, so I kept my mouth shut.  Thankfully, after listening to the drunk for what seemed like forever, the man said that they wouldn't consider adopting a child to a family that was about to have the major change in their household of having a new baby.  Of course he had to throw in that he could tell that I didn't really seem to be interested, and I agreed that I felt that it would be too overwhelming for me to consider adoption when I would be a new mother very soon to my own child, and that this idea to adopt a child was just brought up to me that very day.


Needless to say, he wasn't pleased that he couldn't immediately adopt a child on a whim, and that they wouldn't even let him meet one of the children in question to play with them. 


Oh but it gets better - I also remembered today that he claimed we would be adopting the children of a man that he supposedly worked with in the fire department.  This story happened when we lived in Mount Zion, GA (the one in Carroll county, GA).  I'm a little foggy on the details, but he insisted that we would be getting these kids (I think they were either in their early teens, or pre-teens, IF they even existed).  I remember having an argument about this - I knew he was lying about this for one, but I wanted to make the point that I wasn't willing to do this, that this request was totally unreasonable.


Sometimes I wonder how I survived those years of insanity without totally losing my own sanity.  Fucking NUTS!

It's Been a Long Time.....

It's been over a year since I last wrote a blog here.  I have much less motivation to write in this one, as the more time has passed, the less things bother me.  I read an article today (well skimmed is more like it, I have trouble concentrating these days to read some things, and I figured skimming would bring back less hard memories than truly reading this) - here's a link to the article - 20 Diversion Tactics.....


I read through that, and damn.  I think most if not all of those applied to my ex-husband.  But especially #3 and #10.  Here's the text from #3 that absolutely applies to my ex:

If you think you’re going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindfuckery rather than conversational mindfulness.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own. In their eyes, you are the problem if you happen to exist.

Spend even ten minutes arguing with a toxic narcissist and you’ll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. You simply disagreed with them about their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle choices have come under attack. That is because your disagreement picked at their false belief that they are omnipotent and omniscient, resulting in a narcissistic injury.

Remember: toxic people don’t argue with you, they essentially argue with themselves and you become privy to their long, draining monologues. They thrive off the drama and they live for it. Each and every time you attempt to provide a point that counters their ridiculous assertions, you feed them supply. Don’t feed the narcissists supply – rather, supply yourself with the confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, not you. Cut the interaction short as soon as you anticipate it escalating and use your energy on some decadent self-care instead.

There's an old saying - "never argue with an idiot, they'll drag  you down to their level and beat you with experience every time".  It took far too long for me to learn that, but I did finally learn not to argue with him.  It was just too frustrating to me because he could never ever admit when he was wrong, and honestly I got a shit-ton of pleasure out of pissing him off by refusing to argue.  He didn't know what to do with himself when I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of arguing back and getting upset.  Of course it was dangerous to not argue, because then he would tend to try to push me around physically, but after a while I think he was afraid of me because he knew I'd had enough, and I started fighting back with exactly what he was doing to me, so he was very careful not to touch me physically anymore.  He also learned that wasting his words on me no longer had the desired effect, as I had made the decision towards the end of the marriage that he no longer had that power over me.

#10 - Destructive Conditioning.  He never was proud of anything that I accomplished when we were married.  I never heard "good job", "I'm proud of you", no positive comments like that whatsoever.  I could have lived with the lack of positive comments, provided that there weren't negative comments in their stead.  I honestly believe he was insanely jealous of any successes that I had, yet nothing I did was ever good enough. 

Anyway, I just don't want to give this any more thought than I already have.  It's emotionally draining to revisit the past.  My present and future are so bright, I don't need to throw any shade on them from the past!