So this week at work, I had another trigger experience. It was really all so silly, but here goes:
I had parked my car in the front of the building and when it came time to leave, I had forgotten and started walking towards the breakroom to that parking lot. The VP of Operations was walking with me, as we were chatting about some work stuff, and then he said "didn't you park up front?" I stopped dead in my tracks and said something along the lines of "oh crap, you're right, I forgot". You'd think this was no big deal, right? Let me describe to you the VP's reaction:
He starts jumping around, like a 6 year old (or perhaps a leprechaun, movements were very
similar to the one in the scary movies about the evil leprechaun), yelling "El Stupido, El
Stupido! You're so stupid! You forgot where you parked your car!" and was making the
burn gesture with his hands (you know the one - licking his finger then motioning and making
the hissing burn sound).
He continues this behavior, following me back to the front where I am parked. Now, I don't mind a good ribbing when I do something silly like forget where I parked my car, but calling me stupid went a bit too far in my opinion, especially by someone in his position. After I laughed with him for a minute, I told him he needed to be quiet before he got punched in the face. Of course I was trying to be nice, as he is the VP (and the son of the president and can therefore do no wrong), but he continued. Then I told him he was bordering on harassment and that got a slight reaction out of him, his response being that he couldn't believe I was calling this behavior harassment. When we got to the front and he was STILL continuing the berating behavior, I hollered out towards his father's office "Mr. X, your LITTLE BOY is bothering me! Please make him leave me alone!!!!!" That stopped the VP dead in his tracks. It actually shocked him that I did that.
I was able to leave in peace, but of course the harassment started up again the next day. Snide little comments, trying to be funny, and when he saw I was no longer laughing about it, he quit. (and yes, I did tell his father about his behavior the next day, and he just thought the whole thing was funny, then proceeded to tell me that his son has always been mischievous) He even tried picking on me in front of his father, and I pointed out that yes, I'm human, I make mistakes, and he is not without mistakes of his own, and if he wanted, I could point some of those out. Perhaps he is done picking on me, if not, I think I will remind him of a list of the mistakes I know that he has made that are all work related and that I have had to be the one to follow up on and fix.
Why is this a trigger for me you ask? Because in general I take great offense at being called stupid. My ex-husband used to call me stupid, a "college educated idiot", and any number of intelligence defiling names. He used to berate the kids, too, about their apparent lack of intelligence. The mama bear in me comes out when someone calls my son stupid, and it led to many fights with the ex.
And yes, I know, people pick on others about things that they themselves are insecure about or know that they lack, or that they are jealous of. The ex sure was insecure and jealous of many different things.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Triggers, and Memory Sparks
Another tax season has come and will soon be gone. Tax season has so far, always been a trigger of sorts for me. I absolutely LOATHED tax time when I was married before. My ex would always get mad because no matter how much of a refund we got, it was never enough. And whatever refund we got, I usually had very little say in how it was spent.
My ex would call me at work the minute my W-2 arrived in the mail, and wanted to go get our taxes done immediately, as in same day it arrived. Which meant I would have to work all day, come home and cook dinner, and then go spend a couple hours with the tax preparer, James, and both kids. CJ usually wasn't an issue, but with Steven as an infant and toddler, it because difficult to deal with all the tax person's questions, James not understanding the tax system and filing process, and the kids.
The first time he insisted we go immediately to file our taxes, I barely had time to compile our information to take to the tax person. I basically had an unorganized shoebox full of receipts and documents, and it literally took us over 4 hours to have the taxes prepared. I was almost physically ill by the time we were finished, from the stress of it all.
I learned my lesson that first time, so generally by the end of January each year, I would have all of our medical information either printed out straight from the pharmacy and doctor's offices, or would have an Excel spreadsheet for each person, listing each expense and totaling it individually and then for all of us. I actually came up with a document that would have all the information that they would ask for, medical expenses, mortgage interest, ad volorem taxes, etc., to make the process as simple and quick as possible.
But it never failed, he would always complain that our refunds were never enough. He would literally show out like a child sometimes when we were having our taxes done. And as a smoker, he could not sit through the entire process without going outside to smoke at least twice (and this was even after I'd gotten the process streamlined where basically all they had to do was transfer the info off my document into their program and we could be finished in 30-45 minutes.
(Yes, I know that it sucks to loan your money to the government, tax free, and receive a refund at the end of the year, but it was a simple way for us to have the money for larger expenditures, and it seemed to always work out that we needed that refund to pay for a repair or replacement of something that wasn't inexpensive.)
Prior to marrying Brian, I would manage to get my taxes done by mid-February for the most part. Since marrying Brian, I put it off to the end of March or early April. It's not Brian's fault at all - it's all me and those damn old feelings coming up, triggering the dread in my very soul of having to deal with taxes with a spouse. The feelings of the tax situation just not being "right". Brian has never had an issue with our tax filing processes, nor whether we get a refund or not, or how much it is. I am so thankful he understands the tax process, but I don't know if I've ever shared with him just how much I hate tax time and why.
The year that I decided I wanted to divorce James, we owed taxes and he was pissed and didn't understand why and he really showed his ass at the tax preparer's office. It took a lot of explaining to do to get him to understand why we owed instead of getting a refund, and then of course it was all my fault that we owed taxes at all, and it was a frequent source of argument for him (along with the zillion other things he loved to argue about). Then he tells me that I better make sure that we get a refund the next year, and that he will be purchasing a gun with the refund because we needed the protection since the world was getting crazier and meaner. I knew then that I had to get out before that time came, because if there'd been a gun in our home, one of us (and/or the kids) would end up gravely wounded or dead.
There are many things that trigger bad memories and make me have certain feelings that I know I shouldn't be having, but sometimes it's just so hard to let it drop and move away from it. It's just going to take more time to keep leaving it all behind me, and permanently closing the door on those feelings. People don't realize how deeply their actions may affect others, and of course the abusers don't care about that. Folks that are in these abusive relationships many times don't think about how hard it may be to get out, and what thoughts and feelings will linger, or what may trigger an old memory or feeling. I can only work through my feelings and triggers one day at a time, and that's got to be enough.
My ex would call me at work the minute my W-2 arrived in the mail, and wanted to go get our taxes done immediately, as in same day it arrived. Which meant I would have to work all day, come home and cook dinner, and then go spend a couple hours with the tax preparer, James, and both kids. CJ usually wasn't an issue, but with Steven as an infant and toddler, it because difficult to deal with all the tax person's questions, James not understanding the tax system and filing process, and the kids.
The first time he insisted we go immediately to file our taxes, I barely had time to compile our information to take to the tax person. I basically had an unorganized shoebox full of receipts and documents, and it literally took us over 4 hours to have the taxes prepared. I was almost physically ill by the time we were finished, from the stress of it all.
I learned my lesson that first time, so generally by the end of January each year, I would have all of our medical information either printed out straight from the pharmacy and doctor's offices, or would have an Excel spreadsheet for each person, listing each expense and totaling it individually and then for all of us. I actually came up with a document that would have all the information that they would ask for, medical expenses, mortgage interest, ad volorem taxes, etc., to make the process as simple and quick as possible.
But it never failed, he would always complain that our refunds were never enough. He would literally show out like a child sometimes when we were having our taxes done. And as a smoker, he could not sit through the entire process without going outside to smoke at least twice (and this was even after I'd gotten the process streamlined where basically all they had to do was transfer the info off my document into their program and we could be finished in 30-45 minutes.
(Yes, I know that it sucks to loan your money to the government, tax free, and receive a refund at the end of the year, but it was a simple way for us to have the money for larger expenditures, and it seemed to always work out that we needed that refund to pay for a repair or replacement of something that wasn't inexpensive.)
Prior to marrying Brian, I would manage to get my taxes done by mid-February for the most part. Since marrying Brian, I put it off to the end of March or early April. It's not Brian's fault at all - it's all me and those damn old feelings coming up, triggering the dread in my very soul of having to deal with taxes with a spouse. The feelings of the tax situation just not being "right". Brian has never had an issue with our tax filing processes, nor whether we get a refund or not, or how much it is. I am so thankful he understands the tax process, but I don't know if I've ever shared with him just how much I hate tax time and why.
The year that I decided I wanted to divorce James, we owed taxes and he was pissed and didn't understand why and he really showed his ass at the tax preparer's office. It took a lot of explaining to do to get him to understand why we owed instead of getting a refund, and then of course it was all my fault that we owed taxes at all, and it was a frequent source of argument for him (along with the zillion other things he loved to argue about). Then he tells me that I better make sure that we get a refund the next year, and that he will be purchasing a gun with the refund because we needed the protection since the world was getting crazier and meaner. I knew then that I had to get out before that time came, because if there'd been a gun in our home, one of us (and/or the kids) would end up gravely wounded or dead.
There are many things that trigger bad memories and make me have certain feelings that I know I shouldn't be having, but sometimes it's just so hard to let it drop and move away from it. It's just going to take more time to keep leaving it all behind me, and permanently closing the door on those feelings. People don't realize how deeply their actions may affect others, and of course the abusers don't care about that. Folks that are in these abusive relationships many times don't think about how hard it may be to get out, and what thoughts and feelings will linger, or what may trigger an old memory or feeling. I can only work through my feelings and triggers one day at a time, and that's got to be enough.
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