Lies

My ex used to lie to me about all kinds of things.  Big things, little things, things that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of life.  But, he always thought I was stupid enough to believe him, or that I was too dumb to figure out he was lying.

Granted, he lied about a lot of things that I fell for, hook, line and sinker.  It took far too long for me to realize the depth of the lies he had told. 

The last few years, I got really good at telling when he was lying - usually it was when his lips were moving!  But seriously, he would like about stuff that I had seen him doing, and think he could convince me I was seeing things.

For example - he had quit smoking for a few months, then started sneaking smokes again.  I had quit smoking to make it easier for him, and I wasn't going back to it regardless of what he did.  For whatever reason he felt he had to lie to me and hide the smoking, probably so that I wouldn't nag him about it, but he would smoke where I could see him without him knowing it, and when I'd bust him, he'd deny it.  He would reek of cigarettes, but would claim it was because he was around smokers.  He had cigarettes in his tube sock one day when we were at the drug store and I walked up on him pulling his socks up, and he lied and said they belonged to the neighbor.  Seriously, he thought I was that stupid.

Lies hurt bad enough, but knowing you weren't worth the truth is the worst part.

How I Named the URL for "My Story"

I don't know if any of you noticed, but the URL for this blog is http://igotthelastlaugh.blospot.com. 
I GOT THE LAST LAUGH.

There's a story behind this, having to do with the ex-husband.  When we were going through the divorce process, we were discussing who would get what asset and debt wise, and I told him how it would be custody and visitation wise.  He was none too pleased with most everything, but especially the visitation and custody.  He finally got frustrated with the conversation and just looked at me, smiling, and said "that's okay, you can have EVERYTHING - the house, the cars, all our property, and you can have custody of Steven.  But I will have the last laugh."

I asked him what he meant by that, and he said "well, you can have it all.  And when we walk out of court, I will just look at you and smile, because I know I will get the last laugh.  I will put a hit out on you and your entire family - you will all be dead, and I will get Steven, and that is how I'll get the last laugh".

See, the ex was delusional enough to believe that he had friends in the mafia, and that he could take a hit out on me and the family.  He used to threaten to have my mother's husband beaten up by these so called mafia people, and would make other threats.  So for him to threaten to have us all knocked off is not a surprise.  I knew he was bullshitting, but of course I let the attorney know he had made yet another threat.

Fast forward to 2009 - the ex kept calling me, trying to tell me he'd flown to Florida on one of his mafia buddy's planes, and was basically harassing me.  I knew he was lying, one, because I knew his mafia connections weren't real, and 2, because his son CJ told me he was still there.  He was really aggravating me, pushing my buttons that he knew how to push so well, and I had to hang up on him before I completely lost my mind which would have caused me to start screaming at him on the phone.  Then he calls back, and calmly asks me if I remembered what the last laugh was.  I asked him if he was threatening me, and he said no, it wasn't a threat, it was a promise.  I told him if he was threatening to kill me and my family, we would see how the police liked that and he hung up on me. 

I called 911 and reported the threats he had made against me and my family.  It was around midnight, and I requested that they not come out with sirens blaring, but that I would like to file a report with an officer.  A very nice officer came out, I explained the history behind the "last laugh" comment, and the conversation that had just occurred, and that James was drunk.  I also let him know that he had kicked CJ out, and CJ was most likely walking towards my mother's house, as that would be the only place he had to go.  (that's where I was living at the time, too) 

The officer took my report and said that he would drive to James' apartment and have a few stern words with him.  He would look for CJ and would bring him to me if he found him.  The officer also instructed me to go to the courthouse on that following Monday to file for a restraining order, that I should have more than enough to get one, given our history and the current threat. 

CJ called me about an hour later to tell me that he had beaten the hell out of James in self defense, and James had gone to jail for domestic violence, assault/battery, and public drunk.  :-)

I went to court that Monday morning to get the restraining order, and the judge refused my request!!! He said that unless I had recorded the conversation, or someone else heard it, it was just my word against James', and that our past history didn't really matter*.  I proceeded to ask the judge where to go to obtain a concealed weapon permit, that if he was not going to protect me, I would have to protect myself.  (I had already researched where to go for this, but I asked the judge to make the point on official record that I took my ex's threat seriously even if he didn't)  He told me what building to go to and all the hoops to jump through, and that's where I went next.  I got my permit and bought my first gun, a 9mm that I learned to shoot quite well. 

Anyways, after how things have turned out between me and the ex, where he is now and where I am in my life, I do believe that I have had the last laugh.  And that's how I came to set my URL as such.

*It appears that in the law's eyes, if you do not make official police reports when domestic violence occurs, then judges won't do shit to help you when you finally do get the balls to stand up for yourself.  My advice - document everything, and file police reports! It's a shame really, as people who have never been abused don't understand the nerves and guts it takes to take a stand and file a report.  I'm sure they get tired of dealing with the people like me that take the abuse for years and years before they do something about it, but it's really not fair for us to be penalized even further because we were too afraid to do something sooner.  Just my 2 cents.

Alcohole

My ex-husband was a total asshole most of the time, but lord have mercy if you added alcohol into the mix, it was dangerous.  Especially if it was liquor. 

He was a horrible person when he drank beer, and I swear he was almost homicidal if he drank liquor.  He claimed he could handle his alcohol if he was drinking beer, and he would usually forgo drinking liquor with knowing how much worse it made him.

He would drink beer, and while I enjoy an occasional beer, I detest the smell of it on someone's breath.  Even more so when they are a smoker, which he was.  And he would ALWAYS get argumentative when he drank, and want to get in my face to argue, so I would end up smelling that stank-ass beer and cigarette breath of his.  NASTY.

And he was a literal finger pointer - he loved to argue and point his bony ass finger IN MY FACE.  I can't tell you how many times I wish I could have just bitten or broken off his finger and shoved it down his throat or up his ass. 

I know, someone who was abused is physically threatening someone - not a good example, but sometimes thinking about him and all I went through just fires me up and the angers renews.  It almost seems like it was just yesterday that I went through all of this with him, but it's been almost 5 years since I've spoken to him or been face to face with him, and our divorce has been final for over 7 years.

I was thinking the other day about how much I would love to just punch the living shit out of him, to just really beat him good.  He actually offered once to let me hit him repeatedly, but I didn't take him up on his offer - I didn't want to stoop to his level.  Nor will I, unless he is in my physical proximity and I feel threatened. 

I want to share the last time he put his hands on me.  It was October 2005, in the morning while I was getting ready for work.  I was sitting in a chair in front of the bathroom mirror, with my makeup bag in my lap.  He walked in, had a few hateful things to say, and he pissed me off, so I proceeded to call him something that ended with "bag of bones" (he was down to 135lbs at 5'11" and was skeletal, like Auschwitz or Dachau victims, and whatever I called him had something to do with him smelling like an ashtray and I do remember ending the phrase with bag of bones).  Somehow, he claims he thought I called him either a bastard or a son-of-a-bitch, both of which were fighting words in his feeble mind, and he open hand smacked me in the temple.

A rage flew over me that had been building since the first time he laid a finger on me in 1995, the full extent of which I had never experienced in my life until that moment.  As I threw my makeup bag in the floor, I yelled "awww HELL no you didn't!!!!", turned around, put my hands around his neck and slammed him backwards into the wall that was about 5 feet behind him.  How his head did not knock a hole in the wall, I do not know, as I slammed him with all my might and held him there, squeezing his neck.  I told him that I was done with him hitting me, and that if he wanted to fight, we were going to fight right now for the last time, and he would be taking a trip backwards down the 11 stairs to the living room, and most likely would leave the house in a body bag or at the very least crippled.  He stood there in absolute shock, unable to fight back, or perhaps afraid to, considering I outweighed him at that point by about 100lbs, and then his son CJ came out of his bedroom to see what the ruckus was.  I told him his father was leaving to go to his doctor's appointment, and that was that. 

James never, ever laid a hand on me again.  I could tell there was one time a few months later that he wanted to, but honestly I think he remembered that day in the bathroom and decided against touching me.  I was surprised that was the end of his physical abuse, and I had been fighting back at him since 2000, the night that ended with him pushing me into a door and causing me to need 5 stitches in my eyebrow.  That is a story for another time.

So folks - can you handle your alcohol?  Or do you turn into an Alcohole?  Ask your drinking buddies if you are a fun drunk, or someone they'd rather not deal with or be around.  You might be surprised.

Warning Signs of an Abuser

I had posted this on one of my other blogs, but thought I'd share it again:

There's been something weighing on me for a while now, and I wanted to talk about it.  It has to do with abusive relationships.  I was in one, as many of you know, for far too long.  There were signs before I married him, and I knew they were red flags, but I chose to ignore them.  Throughout the course of my first marriage, I experienced most of the things on the list below that I took from Dear Abby - take a quick look at the warning signs of an abuser:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, I've never felt loved like this by anyone. An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because you might meet someone; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of causing trouble. The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, You make me angry instead of I am angry, or says, You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you.

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.

(10) PLAYFUL USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, I'll break your neck or I'll kill you, and then dismisses them with, Everybody talks that way, or I didn't really mean it.

Readers, if you feel you are at risk, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org.  And remember folks - the abuser doesn't have to be a man - there are plenty of female abusers out there, men are just often times too ashamed to admit that their female partners are abusing them.

The reason this subject is again weighing on my mind and my heart, is that I am seeing some signs of this in someone else's relationship.  The jealousy, the controlling things, the isolation from family and friends.  It really is sad to see. 

If you read this and you think I'm talking about your relationship - do something about it, within your relationship.  Don't bother me with denying that you are abusive, or justifying your abusive actions - there's nothing you can say to convince me that what you are doing is okay. 

Memories.....

So while I was driving home from work this afternoon, I had a few memories sparked about  my ex-husband for some reason.  Not sure what did it, but I started thinking about how James used to never allow Steven to have fun things.  Nothing that would have hurt him, and I really just don't know what possessed that man to prevent Steven from having things.

For example, my dad once gave Steven a military flashlight.  James wouldn't let him keep it.  Obviously, there was no harm in him having a flash light, but he took it away from Steven and it was never given back to him.  There was a small battery powered lantern Steven had gotten once, and James took that away as well.

My mother bought Steven a Toy Story/Buzz Lightyear alarm clock.  James cut the electric cord on it so that it wouldn't work.  I suppose he didn't want to hear it and the noises it would make, but dammit.  Don't destroy the item, teach the child how to use it appropriately.

Many times when we would receive a gift from someone, if he didn't think we needed it, he would give the item away.  Not that giving something to someone else that perhaps could use the item is a bad thing, but he usually would do this without consulting me first.

His life was always about control - over the petty things, over the major things.  That's what he was all about.