I read through that, and damn. I think most if not all of those applied to my ex-husband. But especially #3 and #10. Here's the text from #3 that absolutely applies to my ex:
If you think you’re going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindfuckery rather than conversational mindfulness.
Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own. In their eyes, you are the problem if you happen to exist.
Spend even ten minutes arguing with a toxic narcissist and you’ll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. You simply disagreed with them about their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle choices have come under attack. That is because your disagreement picked at their false belief that they are omnipotent and omniscient, resulting in a narcissistic injury.
Remember: toxic people don’t argue with you, they essentially argue with themselves and you become privy to their long, draining monologues. They thrive off the drama and they live for it. Each and every time you attempt to provide a point that counters their ridiculous assertions, you feed them supply. Don’t feed the narcissists supply – rather, supply yourself with the confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, not you. Cut the interaction short as soon as you anticipate it escalating and use your energy on some decadent self-care instead.
There's an old saying - "never argue with an idiot, they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience every time". It took far too long for me to learn that, but I did finally learn not to argue with him. It was just too frustrating to me because he could never ever admit when he was wrong, and honestly I got a shit-ton of pleasure out of pissing him off by refusing to argue. He didn't know what to do with himself when I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of arguing back and getting upset. Of course it was dangerous to not argue, because then he would tend to try to push me around physically, but after a while I think he was afraid of me because he knew I'd had enough, and I started fighting back with exactly what he was doing to me, so he was very careful not to touch me physically anymore. He also learned that wasting his words on me no longer had the desired effect, as I had made the decision towards the end of the marriage that he no longer had that power over me.
#10 - Destructive Conditioning. He never was proud of anything that I accomplished when we were married. I never heard "good job", "I'm proud of you", no positive comments like that whatsoever. I could have lived with the lack of positive comments, provided that there weren't negative comments in their stead. I honestly believe he was insanely jealous of any successes that I had, yet nothing I did was ever good enough.
Anyway, I just don't want to give this any more thought than I already have. It's emotionally draining to revisit the past. My present and future are so bright, I don't need to throw any shade on them from the past!
