So I got in bed last night and turned the TV to the "Lifetime Movie Network" because they show ghost-related programs on Saturday nights (and otherwise I won't EVER have on a channel that has Lifetime in the title). There was a ghost program on when I went to bed, but I promptly fell asleep once I got under the covers and got comfortable.
Do any of you ever have dreams where what is going on around you, on TV or the radio (if you have those on while you sleep), infiltrates your dreams? That occasionally happens to me. A song will work it's way into my dream, or the sound of my alarm will be some sort of alarm in my dream.
Well this morning I had a horrific nightmare. I don't know if it was something that had infiltrated my dreams from what was on LMN, or what it was. This was one of those dreams where the people would change from one person to another, and the circumstances would change, and it was most bizarre. It started out that I had 6 kids with James, ranging in ages from maybe 6 years old up to their early 20's, and he had lined them up in a field and given each one of them a pistol, even the youngest little girl who was maybe 6 or so. The he drew a pistol from a bucket, and would point it at each child and say something. He expected the child to respond and then draw their pistol and point it at him. All refused to draw on him.
At some point I got a pistol and drew on him, at point blank range, but didn't want to shoot him in front of the children. He went inside to shower and I had the kids gather up the pistols and told them to hide them under the porch while I dealt with their father. I was so worried he'd find the guns that I repeatedly kept changing where we were going to hide them. I caught him looking out the window at me, as I was searching for a good hiding place. At this point James had changed into someone else, someone I didn't know, that looked like the actor Steve Carrell (yes, I know, that is very odd).
I wanted to talk to him about how his actions terrified the kids, but I was afraid that by bringing it up, it would enrage him but I did it anyway. As usual, he didn't care. It was all about him and whatever he was upset about and whatever stupid point he was trying to make while handling the guns around the kids.
WTF was on TV while I was sleeping, to prompt this dream?!?!?!
James never had a gun while we were married, I know he wanted to buy one the next year with our tax refund, and that's one of the many reasons I decided to leave him when I did. But James would occasionally pull one of the big knives from the butcher block and hold it to his belly like he was going to stab himself, or would threaten to kill himself with a knife. CJ fought him over a knife once when he was doing this. I just told him to wait until I got the kids out of the house, I didn't want them to see the blood and gore if he wanted to off himself.
I never truly believed he would have hurt himself - he always enjoyed inflicting pain on others. He did this scenario one time and insisted I call his shrink. I called and got one of the other doctors in the practice who happened to be Steven's doctor. She recommended I drive him over to the inpatient facility to be evaluated - the police were at our house during this conversation, trying to talk him down. He agreed to go to the facility, but of course once we drove a few miles down the interstate, he changed his mind and promised he would calm down. I took him home and he went to bed. I was kind of surprised his doctor never called him to check on him and why he didn't show up at the facility, as it was made clear to me on the phone that they would be waiting for him.
When I took Steven to his next appointment, the doctor never mentioned the call I'd made that night, and I was too afraid to bring it up to her. Once I had filed the divorce papers several years later, I took Steven to his appointment with her and told her all about what our life had been like, the years of abuse, why I had fought James so hard on medicating Steven (my belief he was just wanting to drug him into submission for his convenience), everything. She didn't seem too surprised, but never let on that she knew any of that was happening, and didn't seem to recall the after hours phone call that night.
I guess I should stop going to bed with that channel on at night - honestly the only reason it was still on that channel after I fell asleep is because Brian wasn't here to change it. Normally I go to sleep with it on, and when he comes to bed he will change it to one of the History channels, or something else. He's at drill this weekend so I was stuck with whatever I fell asleep to.
I hate having nightmares, but especially ones that involve James.
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